Sandra's Blog

（Urban Lights in LA)

離開部落格好久一段時間了，希望再重新回來寫文章之後，大家還是願意繼續讀我的文章或者跟我交流。在進入今天想要討論的主題之前，想跟大家update一下我個人的近況。我六月初正式從Pittsburgh搬來LA啦！因為開始在LA實習了！目前待的的單位是一間專門服務家暴與性侵害倖存者(受害者）的機構，所以想趁這段時間來跟大家分享我的實習心得，無論是我在LA的生活，還是我從機構學習到的知識，技巧，或者接個案後的反思。

如同之前的文章，希望大家在閱讀我的文章的時候，能夠記得文章內一定會含有我個人主觀的意見。所有非我本人的想法，我都會註明出處，無論是我透過書，Research study或者Training之中所得到的資訊，我都會一一在後面做標注。我所寫的文章絕對不會完美或者毫無偏頗，如果有任何資訊是錯誤的或者你有不同於我的想法，也歡迎大家可以告訴我或與我分享;)

好啦！廢話不多說了，就進入今天的主題吧！

• What is Domestic Violence? 什麼是家暴？  

關於這個問題，相信大家腦中第一個浮現的會是肢體暴力，然而其實家暴不只是如此，以下就為大家提供家暴的定義：Domestic violence is a pattern of behaviors used by an intimate partner (i.e. spouse, partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc) to maintain power and control over the other person. It includes different types of violence such as physical violence/assault, rape and sexual abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, financial abuse or social abuse (The National Domestic Violence). 

根據這個定義，我們可以將家暴分成五種：

1. Physical abuse: Any direct assaults on the body, use of weapons, destruction of property, locking the victim out of the house or sleep deprivation. 所有直接對身體上的傷害，  拳打腳踢，摔東西，把受害者鎖起來或者不讓受害者吃飯睡覺，這些都算是phsical abuse.

2. Sexual abuse: Forced sex, sexual activity without consent, coercive sex without protection, forcing the victim to perform sexual acts unwillingly. 違反對方的意願並強迫要發生關係，違反對方的意願並拒絕使用保險套等等。無論是男生女生，如果你/妳的伴侶有這樣的行為，記得這完全不是正常的。只要對方是在違反你的意願下做這些行為，那都算是abuse！

3. Verbal abuse: Trying to put down and humiliate you, either publicly or privately. Verbally making a comment about your intelligence, sexuality, body image or capacity as a parent/spouse. 言語上的攻擊，污辱，謾罵，貶低，批評。

4. Emotional abuse: Blaming the victim for every problem in the relationship, comparing the victim with others to undermine self-esteem and self-worth, threatening to suicide if you refuse to do what he/she asks for; Being extremely jealous. 前陣子在台灣很常聽到的”情緒勒索“就是很典型的emotional abuse。

5. Social abuse: Limiting your access to other people (friends, family) or to other places, forcing you to do things against your will/belief, utilizing religious reason or cultural traditions as a reason for violence; Making you feel guilty about going out to work or hang out with friends; constantly checking your whereabouts. 限制你的生活圈，不讓你跟朋友/家人見面，希望你可以一直待在家裡或他/她身邊, 查勤，查手機, 奪命連環call, 這些都算是abuse喔！

6. Economic abuse: Control your access to money (bank accounts, only providing inadequate "allowance"); Don't allow you to be financially independent; Forcing you to explain why you buy things.不讓你經濟獨立，控制你所有的財物，控制你的銀行帳戶，要你解釋所有開支的理由, 拒絕付贍養費。

(Healey, Justin., Domestic and Family Violence, 2014)

• The myth of Domestic Violence 家暴迷思

何謂迷思？根據強大的維基百科：迷思是“一部分人信以為真，但實際上是錯誤的觀念”。Myth is a misconception or false belief which is widely held. 在繼續往下閱讀之前，我想請大家先做個反思，對於家暴你有什麼樣的迷思呢？有什麼是你常常在看到家暴新聞時，腦中總是會出現的聲音。你可能從來沒想過這是迷思，也或許在閱讀完我的文章之後，你還是覺得你所相信的是對的。那也沒關係，因為改變與接受和自己不同的論點確實是困難的。如果過程中你沒有辦法在閱讀下去，把視窗關掉，等哪一天你想再多了解這個議題的時候再回來看。在這個段落裡面，我只會討論兩個常見的迷思，怕大家沒空看這麼多XD It can be really uncomfortable to challenge yourself, don't blame yourself or try to resist. It's ok to feel overwhelmed, uncomfortable or confused. If you are not comfortable continuing to read the rest of the article, close this web page and revisit it when you're ready. Also, I will only discuss two myths in this session in case the content is too overwhelming.

1. The victim/survivor of DV can only be female. Women can only be violent in self-defense. 只有女生才會是家暴的受害者。女生如果有任何暴力的行為，都是為了保護自己。

Fact: Bidirectional violence is actually more common. Based on the research, the percentage of women initiating violence is nearly as often as men. However, male violence does more damage and female is more likely to be killed. 根據研究，男生女生施暴的比例是很接近的，而雙方都有施暴的情抗也很常見。然而，男性施暴者確實造成的傷害會比女性施暴者高，而女性確實致死率也比較高。
 

2. The victim/survivor of DV only stays when "it's their fault, too" or "it's not that bad". 家暴的受害者/幸存者如果還留在暴力的關係當中，一定是因為他/她們也有錯或者狀況還沒這麼嚴重。

Fact: 

A.  The reason why the victim/survivor still stays in the relationship can be complicated. We should start by discussing briefly about the Lenore Walker's cycle of violence. 受害者沒有離開施暴者的原因很複雜，讓我們從Lenore Walker的暴力循環理論開始討論起。

     *Phase I: Tension building 緊張期- In this phase, minor violence may occur such as being controlling, being possessive, throwing an object, slapping in the face, verbally abuse, or blaming. The victim/survivor may feel angry, unfairly treated, tense, afraid, embarrassed or depressed. His/Her behavior at this time may look like compliance and acceptance. He/She may try to diffuse his/her partner's frustrations/anger. The victim/ survivor may try to confront his/her partner. The abuser may become more aggressive after. The whole relationship becomes more and more intense. 在這個階段，通常會有輕微的暴力事件，可能是丟東西, 試圖控制，打耳光, 謾罵等。受害者/幸存者此時會感到憤怒，覺得自己被不公平的對待，憂鬱。為了安撫伴侶，受害者/幸存者可能會順從或者試圖迴避。但這些行為都沒有辦法讓伴侶停止暴力行為。兩個人的關係變得更加緊張。

       Phase II: Violent Episode  爆炸期- In this phae, a violent incident occurs. The incident can happen last minutes to several days and may include punches, rape, beating or other forms of torture. The victim/survivor may feel frightened, helpless, trapped and/or numb. They may try to protect themselves from hitting back, getting away, seeking help or feign unconsciousness. The perpetrators may feel angry, enraged, jealous, and/or frustrated. Their behaviors will become extremely dangerous to the victim/survivor. 一旦發生嚴重的暴力事件，就進入了第二階段。此時的暴力無法預測且可能是各種形式的暴力跟虐待。受害者/幸存者此時會感到非常害怕，覺得無助，被困住或者麻木，他們可能會試圖還手，嘗試逃走或者向外尋求幫助。施暴者此時會像顆不定時炸彈，通常感到憤怒，極度或者挫折，行為上也會變得越來越暴力。受害者/幸存者此時有生命危險的機率很高。

       Phase III: The Honeymoon 蜜月期- After the second phase, the perpetrator usually behaves really lovingly. He/She may become playful, kind and/or attentive. This is a good time for companionship, good sex or gifts. The perpetrator will apologize to the victim/survivor and promise he/she won't do it again and he/she would seek help. 當第二階段結束後，兩人的關係就會進入到第三階段。通常在這個時期，施暴者會對受害者/幸存者很好並且保證絕對不會再對受害者/幸存者施暴，並很有誠意的道歉。受害者/幸存者通常此時會心軟並相信施暴者。

在簡單介紹完這個cycle of violence之後，相信大家應該對家暴開始有初步的理解了。通常第三個階段，受害者/幸存者會試圖相信施暴者真的願意改變了，於是就會選擇繼續留在關係當中。然而，這只是其中一個原因而已。

B. Fear of reprisal: Leaving is the most dangerous time. 為什麼受害者沒辦法離開？或許要離開的時候才是最危險的時候。

C. Worried about practical problems: Money, child care, exposure of immigration status., shame and fear of exposure (losing face). 錢， 小孩，移民身份問題，恐懼，丟臉等等。

• Final Thought

Ther is actually no ideal/perfect image of victim/survivor or abuser/perpetrator. DV can happen to anyone, it can be ourselves, our friends or family, regardless of the gender, ethnicity, social status or age. Also, from the other perspective, we can also examine our behavior as well as emotional health by being mindful and knowledgeable toward the sign of DV. We may not use any physical violence in our current relationship, but other forms of abuse. Have you tried to check your partner's whereabouts constantly? control his/her social relationship? use of money? or throwing tantrum to your partner only because he/she doesn't follow the way you want? 

最後，並沒有完美的施暴者或受害者，任何人都可能會受害。以另外一個觀點來看，對於家暴有更多的了解，也能夠幫助我們對自己還有他人更有覺察力。反思我們目前的親密關係，即便我們沒有對我們的伴侶造成任何身體上的傷害或施行肢體暴力，我們是否在情緒上傷害了他們呢？是否嘗試控制他們的生活圈？是否要求伴侶一定要無時無刻報備且不準與任何異性出去呢？有很多時候，我們會責怪伴侶沒有給自己足夠的安全感，然而事實上，安全感是來自於我們的內心。我們是否對自己不夠有自信呢？我們到底害怕在關係中失去什麼？而失去關係對我們來說的意義又是什麼呢？

I hope this article is helpful and beneficial for all of you, not only for gaining more understanding about DV but also a chance for you to be mindful. I will also provide some resoureces of DV which you can use.

希望這篇文章能狗讓大家對家暴有更多的了解，並給予大家一個機會去檢視自己。我也會在最後提供美國與台灣的家暴資源。

• DV Resources

US: The National Domestic Violence Hotline  1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)  www.ndvh.org;  National Dating Abuse Helpline 1-866-331-9474 www.loveisrespect.org.     

Taiwan: 113 婦幼保護專線; 0800-013-999 男性關懷專線

If you want to make a difference in someone's life, you don't need to be gorgeous, rich, famous, brilliant, or perfect. You just have to care. - Karen Salmansohn.